![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mylittleredgirlWanted to go to Tae Kwon Do today and go to movie with Kaya, but am feeling all kinds of illmonodeath and so lack the energy to brush snow off my car.
So will stay home and buck up and hope that I feel MUCH less dead tomorrow, when I have to work a whole day on the early early coffee shift.
It's bugging the crap out of me that it seems like I am no better, if not worse off, than I was last November when I made a GIANT FREAKING ROAD TRIP! What the hell gives? I came back from that psyched to start working full-time and moving to a new place and now I am THIS. AGAIN. SOME MORE.
Today's a bad day for my dad to give mehell subtle hints about how I have stopped looking for more work and am failing lots at doing work for his company. What makes him think, really, that me signing on full-time with a temp agency or other position is a rational move when I can't even finish the two-hour-a-day work he has given me? And it's not like I'm writing fic instead; I haven't had the energy to even WATCH any of my shows for the past three weeks.
I hate feeling useless, and I hate feeling like I'm not going to be useful again because the progress is so fucking slow, and I hate being a financial drain on other people, and I hate that I can't just snap out of this because it actually is a physical condition. Gah.
I've hurt all over for the past little while, which is one of the classic signs of my immune system suckily (yet valiantly!) trying to fight something, so I'm sure everything will seem less FUTILE in a week or two. It's just really impossible to make any sort of life plans or get a real job or get better when every third week is a total washout, and even on GOOD days I feel like most people do the first day they're coming down with something -- disoriented, sluggish, mentally drained, lack of energy, operating only on one cylinder -- and on the rare BEST days the fog only clears for an hour or two (though OMG, what a beautiful hour or two. *angels sing*).
I know it's hard for everyone to feel like there are expectations placed upon them that they can't possibly meet. I'm just having a hard time with the expectations I can't meet being so completely and totally RIDICULOUS. Like, it took me four days to get up the energy to take my humidifier into the kitchen and refill it, but it's just *embarrassing* to ask my mother to please do that for me because I can't mentally cope with it. *rolls eyes*
So yes, I want to crawl into a hole and DIE. *smirks at unnecessary DRAMATICNESS*
But I am doing good things. As always when mymono CFIDS acts up (may as well use ACTUAL acronym now that I have one, since I'm kinda through pretending that this isn't chronic), everything I eat makes me feel ill. This results in me getting all paranoid that everything I eat will make me feel sick, and, voila! an eating disorder is born. (Well, except for the part about "body image issues" I think being essential to something being classed as an eating disorder, and, if anything, I hate the way I'm all skinny and count-my-ribs!-y, because who wants to cuddle up with that?) However, I'm still making myself eat good things despite that so I don't end up like I did last February, so, I'm proud of myself for that. And I'm still making myself get up before 10 a.m. (have given up on "6 a.m." for this week), despite how I feel. And though I'm whining here, I'm working hard to not let my thoughts spin totally out of control into panic attack mode.
So yes. I haven't completely collapsed this time, and that's good. It's just this two-steps-forward three-steps-back dance is starting to GRATE. And the fact that I feel the need to whine about it instead of constanthappygleee grates as well. (however, the fact that more and more people are using gleee!lists as coping mechanisms on their bad days? rocks my little fucking WORLD and makes me feel so very useful on some level, even while still in pajamas). BLAH.
*needs fluff*
So will stay home and buck up and hope that I feel MUCH less dead tomorrow, when I have to work a whole day on the early early coffee shift.
It's bugging the crap out of me that it seems like I am no better, if not worse off, than I was last November when I made a GIANT FREAKING ROAD TRIP! What the hell gives? I came back from that psyched to start working full-time and moving to a new place and now I am THIS. AGAIN. SOME MORE.
Today's a bad day for my dad to give me
I hate feeling useless, and I hate feeling like I'm not going to be useful again because the progress is so fucking slow, and I hate being a financial drain on other people, and I hate that I can't just snap out of this because it actually is a physical condition. Gah.
I've hurt all over for the past little while, which is one of the classic signs of my immune system suckily (yet valiantly!) trying to fight something, so I'm sure everything will seem less FUTILE in a week or two. It's just really impossible to make any sort of life plans or get a real job or get better when every third week is a total washout, and even on GOOD days I feel like most people do the first day they're coming down with something -- disoriented, sluggish, mentally drained, lack of energy, operating only on one cylinder -- and on the rare BEST days the fog only clears for an hour or two (though OMG, what a beautiful hour or two. *angels sing*).
I know it's hard for everyone to feel like there are expectations placed upon them that they can't possibly meet. I'm just having a hard time with the expectations I can't meet being so completely and totally RIDICULOUS. Like, it took me four days to get up the energy to take my humidifier into the kitchen and refill it, but it's just *embarrassing* to ask my mother to please do that for me because I can't mentally cope with it. *rolls eyes*
So yes, I want to crawl into a hole and DIE. *smirks at unnecessary DRAMATICNESS*
But I am doing good things. As always when my
So yes. I haven't completely collapsed this time, and that's good. It's just this two-steps-forward three-steps-back dance is starting to GRATE. And the fact that I feel the need to whine about it instead of constanthappygleee grates as well. (however, the fact that more and more people are using gleee!lists as coping mechanisms on their bad days? rocks my little fucking WORLD and makes me feel so very useful on some level, even while still in pajamas). BLAH.
*needs fluff*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 04:52 pm (UTC)(and these are a good kind because they're not going to attack your immune system).
Poor honey. I can obviously only imagine. Being sick in my own way is stressful enough - I can do the day and then crash at the weekend, with boy to look after me - but you need *massif* hugs to cheer you up.
*MASSIF HUGS*
It will be better. You know that. The resting is good and the good eating is good and if you add those up, eventually you'll be good. Honest.
*hugs more*
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 04:54 pm (UTC)YAY! HOPE! And hugs!!
*hugs you* I'm so sorry that your weekends are bust because of sickness, GRR! *rages at world* But that does sound nice to be able to make it through regular days, so I will keep hoping. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 05:04 pm (UTC)My mum's quite poorly these days - IBS for sure, but possibly something like you have. She's had to give up work and take each day as it comes, but luckily my dad's now in a position to support us - her wage used to pay for me at college. I'm worried about her, really, because I'm stuck down here and dad's always away working - other countries, courses, conferences etc - while my little brother is generally being an inconsiderate teenager.
Grrr.... So. Don't know if this is a cheery email or not! Bully to the world. Hugs to you. Be well.
Cal - ranting.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 05:19 pm (UTC)*hugs you* Rant anytime, darling.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 05:23 pm (UTC)I'm not exactly on the right track, being an English student and all. But if I come across any mislaid miracle cures on my travels, I will whizz one right over, promise...
xxx
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 05:04 pm (UTC)Wheeeeee! Hugs from a small mountain range! Now *that's* heavy-duty hugginess. ;-D
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 05:08 pm (UTC)it looked like she needed some serious virtual hugging, don't you think?
:P
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 05:19 pm (UTC)*does not admit to horrible lack of geographical knowledge, oh no*
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 05:24 pm (UTC)Or big geographical features, as the case may be. *nods sagely*
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 05:27 pm (UTC)