*whine*

[mylittleredgirl]

Wanted to go to Tae Kwon Do today and go to movie with Kaya, but am feeling all kinds of illmonodeath and so lack the energy to brush snow off my car.

So will stay home and buck up and hope that I feel MUCH less dead tomorrow, when I have to work a whole day on the early early coffee shift.

It's bugging the crap out of me that it seems like I am no better, if not worse off, than I was last November when I made a GIANT FREAKING ROAD TRIP! What the hell gives? I came back from that psyched to start working full-time and moving to a new place and now I am THIS. AGAIN. SOME MORE.

Today's a bad day for my dad to give me hell subtle hints about how I have stopped looking for more work and am failing lots at doing work for his company. What makes him think, really, that me signing on full-time with a temp agency or other position is a rational move when I can't even finish the two-hour-a-day work he has given me? And it's not like I'm writing fic instead; I haven't had the energy to even WATCH any of my shows for the past three weeks.

I hate feeling useless, and I hate feeling like I'm not going to be useful again because the progress is so fucking slow, and I hate being a financial drain on other people, and I hate that I can't just snap out of this because it actually is a physical condition. Gah.

I've hurt all over for the past little while, which is one of the classic signs of my immune system suckily (yet valiantly!) trying to fight something, so I'm sure everything will seem less FUTILE in a week or two. It's just really impossible to make any sort of life plans or get a real job or get better when every third week is a total washout, and even on GOOD days I feel like most people do the first day they're coming down with something -- disoriented, sluggish, mentally drained, lack of energy, operating only on one cylinder -- and on the rare BEST days the fog only clears for an hour or two (though OMG, what a beautiful hour or two. *angels sing*).

I know it's hard for everyone to feel like there are expectations placed upon them that they can't possibly meet. I'm just having a hard time with the expectations I can't meet being so completely and totally RIDICULOUS. Like, it took me four days to get up the energy to take my humidifier into the kitchen and refill it, but it's just *embarrassing* to ask my mother to please do that for me because I can't mentally cope with it. *rolls eyes*

So yes, I want to crawl into a hole and DIE. *smirks at unnecessary DRAMATICNESS*

But I am doing good things. As always when my mono CFIDS acts up (may as well use ACTUAL acronym now that I have one, since I'm kinda through pretending that this isn't chronic), everything I eat makes me feel ill. This results in me getting all paranoid that everything I eat will make me feel sick, and, voila! an eating disorder is born. (Well, except for the part about "body image issues" I think being essential to something being classed as an eating disorder, and, if anything, I hate the way I'm all skinny and count-my-ribs!-y, because who wants to cuddle up with that?) However, I'm still making myself eat good things despite that so I don't end up like I did last February, so, I'm proud of myself for that. And I'm still making myself get up before 10 a.m. (have given up on "6 a.m." for this week), despite how I feel. And though I'm whining here, I'm working hard to not let my thoughts spin totally out of control into panic attack mode.

So yes. I haven't completely collapsed this time, and that's good. It's just this two-steps-forward three-steps-back dance is starting to GRATE. And the fact that I feel the need to whine about it instead of constanthappygleee grates as well. (however, the fact that more and more people are using gleee!lists as coping mechanisms on their bad days? rocks my little fucking WORLD and makes me feel so very useful on some level, even while still in pajamas). BLAH.

*needs fluff*

Comments

[wiliqueen.livejournal.com]

I have no fluff, alas, only lots of {{{{ hugs }}}}.

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

hugs are good too!

*feels loved and hugged*

[astrum-presul.livejournal.com]

at this particular moment I have no fluff, but later I very well will have fluff, so for right now, a *big huge huggle* will have to suffice.

*loves on Little Red*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

Yay provisional fluff!

*hugs*

[liminalliz.livejournal.com]

*loves you always*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

yay :)

*flops down on couch in sinful apartment and dozes*

Bring home juice on your way back from work?

[in-parentheses.livejournal.com]

So you've been officially diagnosed with CFIDS? It's good to know, I guess, and it makes more sense than endless mono. But I'm very sorry for the suckiness.

I don't remember if I put you in touch with her before, but my friend colorwheel (whom we actually call Colorwheel in real-life) has had CFIDS for a long time and knows all about the various treatments and is in general an awesome person and would be happy to talk to you, so if you want her email address, let me know.

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

Well... CFIDS isn't really something that can be diagnosed. More than a year ago I was told that I could class what I had as chronic fatigue -- since that really is an umbrella that goes over a number of different causes and just defines a list of symptoms (all of which I have in spades), but was advised not to, because "chronic fatigue is a lifestyle." So I went on calling it 'mono' because I didn't really want to admit to this being chronic, and because a diagnosis doesn't really help with anything now that I'm not in a position to need to bring notes to my teachers anymore.

So I've kind of diagnosed myself with it, with medical permission. Most of my doctors wrote me off months and months ago, since they can't actually do anything, and are just like "yeah, sleep it off for as many years as it takes, k, bye." Which is frustrating, because I lack the energy to really FORCE treatment plans that may be dead ends.

Er. /rant

I'd love to hear what your friend did in way of treatment plan, though, because it might give me some idea about where to go next with this, if she wouldn't mind telling me!

[callista1159.livejournal.com]

HUGS HUGS HUGS

(and these are a good kind because they're not going to attack your immune system).

Poor honey. I can obviously only imagine. Being sick in my own way is stressful enough - I can do the day and then crash at the weekend, with boy to look after me - but you need *massif* hugs to cheer you up.

*MASSIF HUGS*

It will be better. You know that. The resting is good and the good eating is good and if you add those up, eventually you'll be good. Honest.

*hugs more*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

:)

YAY! HOPE! And hugs!!

*hugs you* I'm so sorry that your weekends are bust because of sickness, GRR! *rages at world* But that does sound nice to be able to make it through regular days, so I will keep hoping. :)

[rosewildeirish.livejournal.com]

*hugssnuggleslove*

Hang in there. I can't do fluff right now, but I'll see if I can whip the bunnies into shape when lunchtime hits.

...what are you current up to in 'lantis? I don't want to inadvertantly spoil.

Also, last time you visited a doctor? I'm thinking another round of ick,tests and assesments is in order.]

...

*sends comfort and luuuuuv*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

*squeee for potential bunnies*

I am through "Letters from Pegasus." I know, I know, I'm way behind. *shame*

I definitely need to see a doctor again. I should have continued seeing one and demanded answers, but I was effectively dismissed with "you're doing the right thing, take this, you'll be fine, western medicine can't really do anything for you so... yeah, call me when you're better." And since I didn't know what to ask from them I didn't want to go back and waste their time. Plus, doctor's appointments can be intense and daunting, because they ask a lot of questions very quickly and my brain tends to short out. Plus my doctor told me to read all these books before I saw her again that I haven't had the energy to read.

I do need to see a nutritionist, at least, because this being-sick-all-the-time thing worries me. I had really just gotten used to it after a year and a half, but recently was clued into the possibility that there might actually be something wrong, since normal people don't feel that way. Hmm.

Thank you! *hugs*

[melyanna.livejournal.com]

Aww, poor Sachi. I'm so with you today on sickness. Spent an hour in the bathroom this morning trying not to throw up, which I'm sure you ALL WANTED TO KNOW. ;)

I'm going to make a valiant attempt at fluff later. Either literally or metaphorically, I shall lock John and Lizzie in a room.

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

:( *hugs you, but gently* And *laughs*, because, omg, that's so me most of the time, and so I so definitely don't mind knowing that!! Drink watered-down juice, preferably at room-temperature. Or... something.

YES! Lock them in a room!! :) :) :) All good fluff and porn starts off that way.

[jennylouise123.livejournal.com]

Eeek *hugs*. I could talk about Torri and Sheppard/Weir lots to distract you if you like *g*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes please!

[nikej.livejournal.com]

Since I am entirely ficless, I typed 'Fluff' into Google and got:



*huggles you muchly*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

AWWWWWWWWWW!! *squeees* Hee!

[lisayaeger.livejournal.com]

I feel so awful for you :-( I'm a whiner when I have a cold, and I just can't imagine how you feel. Sending good thoughts your way though!

*smoooooooooooooooooooch*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you!! *is smooched with many o's*

It'd get real old real fast if I whined all the time, though, so thaaaaankfully I'm not usually in a whiny mood. Just lately! OMG. *whines*

i can only write in bullet points today, apparently

[cleverocity.livejournal.com]

- I made me an emergency gleee!list just now
- when you say "6 am" I think of your Atlantis fic (and spoons)
- *hugs!*

Re: i can only write in bullet points today, apparently

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

- bullet points are THE BEST, yo
- I saw your emergengleee list!
- and yay!! SPOONS! And 'lantis fic! And that bullet point made me exceptionally happy and I feel cool and, liek, famous or something. I should reread that fic now to assuage my need for fluff.
- *hugs as well!*

[lyssie.livejournal.com]

*attempts to write flyff*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

Yay! Fluff! :)

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

Depression is supposed to be a major symptom of mono (and CFIDS), and what I have is often misdiagnosed as depression. I've been really really really lucky to avoid the brunt of that, but I wonder sometimes whether it's possible that I am depressed without actually being sad, because the symptoms are so similar (well, to that, or a nervous breakdown).

So much of this is *physical*, though, and it just grates that it has *become* mental (rather than the other way around). A year and a half of having food make me feel worse is of course going to lead to there being an aversion reaction to food, right? And having so little energy that I'm overwhelmed at anything makes my occasional inability to cope with the idea of seeing people or doing things make sense, at least to me.

I really appreciate your suggestion, though. I agree that just putting my nose low to the ground and doing small tasks (and celebrating them) works much better than letting myself be overwhelmed by all I have to do. My family's longstanding theory of "DO THE HARDEST THING FIRST!" tends to result in me doing nothing at all! I'm all about breaking things up into smallest possible chunks so things get *accomplished.* So, yay, I will do the Trish Plan For Success and see how that works. :)

[ex-spockette108.livejournal.com]

Whilst I don't know what it's like to have CFIDS, I do know what it's like to have mono. Had it my senior year of high school and ACK.

Anyway, you are teh cool. You're like The Fonz, only less creepy and greasy. So, yeah, you rock.

I do not have fluff, as I do not write fic. I do, however have a hamster.

.

I also have a polar bear named Nanook who sleeps in bed with me.



BABY BUNNY! It is not mine, but I wish it was.



Oh, and a baby panda. I NEED A BABY PANDA NOW OMG. LOOK HOW CUTE.



OMG! Dog snuggling with a baby deer! THIS WILL MAKE YOU DEAD OF CUTE AND SQUEE!



Here is a rabbit with a tomato on its head.

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

OMFG YOU ARE SO COOL!!! *adores you*

CUTENESS! And Thor is the cutest of ALL.

And you do basically know what it's like to have CFIDS, because it's mono that just doesn't go away. Basically. *twitches*

But OMG THOR. *wants hamster, but totally cannot take care of goldfish and dog by self, so will not get hamster until AM WELL* You're such a good and adoring hamster!mommy. It makes me gleeeful.

Also, I love you forever for sending me these pictures and calling me THE FONZ, because, omg. *feels loved and not useless and happy, yay*

[wisdomeagle]

I will bring you write you fluff after lunch. :)

*so much love*

*so much glee* *is glad my glee makes you glee*

You'll be gleeful to know that sk8eeyore is doing glee!lists too. :)

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

YAY for the gleee!

I will bring you write you fluff after lunch. :)

*would love you FOREVER* (whereas now I just love you for, like, until two days SHORT of forever!)

[amilyn.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you feel crappy and ill and exhausted and achy.

I love you. I hope you feel better later today or tomorrow or for those few hours here and there--and MORE.

I don't want it to be chronic either, but I think you're right that it is, and I know how hard it is to admit that the thing you don't want to have is probably the thing you have.

Have you started the process of applying for SSI?

I will try to find fluff for you.

Here is the couple of bits of old fluff (stuff you wouldn't know) I could think of. The first is silly FK stuff--you probably know JUST enough to get it. The second is silly Voyager stuff. Remember, in Klingon matin rituals, the men read poetry and the women throw heavy objects. The last is an old, old thing that merges WB cartoon physics with Star Trek.

"Knighty-Knight, Nick" by annlarimer

"Would You Could You" by taraljc

"Kirk vs. the Roadrunner" I don't know that anyone knows to whom this can actually be attributed, though it may be Alison Maughan.

Enjoy. ::hugs you tight::

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

SSI? I applied for MassHealth -- state funded health insurance for the disabled and failed to get it. I forget why -- my dad handled most of that process thank God.

And yay fluff! Will read and be CURED. *rallies brain cells yay* :)

[meg-tdj.livejournal.com]

((((huggles)))))

Well, except for the part about "body image issues" I think being essential to something being classed as an eating disorder

Actually, anything that stops you from eating normally is an eating disorder. Even eating too much is classed as an eating disorder. My docs say I have an eating disorder, and mine's for the same reason as yours - I'm afraid that eating will make me feel sick. You've just gotta remember that *not* eating makes you sicker. ;)

(((((huggles)))))

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

*nods* For sure. I'm tricking myself into eating and just basically giving in to the fact that I feel sick almost all the time. WHATEVER. It's not that bad, and at least I can pretend I'm doing something good for myself. Plus, it keeps me from having to battle my parents at every turn, and that's nice. :)

And it makes the times when I eat and *don't* feel sick a total happy surprise!

[karma-aster.livejournal.com]

(smoochcuddles)I'm just checking in on my lunch hour, so no time to really write fluff, but I'll see what I can cook up for you after work, okay? Just hang in there, darlin'. Remember that whole great big bunches of people love you and are rooting for you.

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

*squeee*

I feel so amazingly LOVED by the internet right now, and that's really nice. It's nice to feel like I'm important enough to people for them to read and comment and such and makes me feel less "OMG I AM WORTHLESS FOR CANNOT WORK FULL TIME!" So, YAY YAY YAY. *is much better for that.*

Thank you, Al Gore, for inventing the internet. :)

[espirk.livejournal.com]

I hate feeling useless, and I hate feeling like I'm not going to be useful again because the progress is so fucking slow, and I hate being a financial drain on other people, and I hate that I can't just snap out of this because it actually is a physical condition. Gah.

I am feeling the same way about myself lately. It's not a physical condition on my part, but the "hate-uselessness" issue is very much there, as is "financial drain on other people". I've been trying to find a job, but alas, nobody wants to take me. The interviews have all ended in "Thanks, but no thanks..." And I feel useless. Like you, I still live with my parents and I am a finance vacuum to them, in a way, although I have never heard them complain about it. It's just the way I feel.

I think we're just at that stage in life, you know. We know what we want, but we don't know how to get there, because we're too young to be given the same opportunities as "world experienced" people, but old enough to be able to do *something*. I often wonder where my life's gonna go, because right now, I can tell you it's not going anywhere, and that's frustrating.

Just wanted to say you're not alone in feeling the way you feel, whether it's a physical condition or not. I am sending fluffy huggles to you -- *fluffy huggles* *fluffy huggles* *fluffy huggles* and hoping that you feel better.

*more huggles*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

Awwwwwwwwwww *hugs you*. SO FRUSTRATING!!! The world should not be this frustrating to cool Drippers like us, dammit. *hugs more*

Thanks so much for the hugs and good thoughts and sympathy (although, naturally, I wish that you didn't understand!)

[rosewildeirish.livejournal.com]

pokes

[smishpixie.livejournal.com]

If I could write fluff, I would! ;-)

*sends many hugs instead*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

Awwww! Hugs are GOOD. *hugs* And you rock lots.

[lifelongfling.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you hon... I will reply about dates and vacation plans SOON!

[msraven929.livejournal.com]

So I wrote something last night, but I don't think you can read it because you haven't watched the last episode of Atlantis for this season. Plus ladyofemynarnen says it isn't fluff.

I failed...but I may sit at my desk through lunch and write you actual fluff.

*sends love and huggles*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

AWWW. *hugs* I saw that you had posted and got squeeeful but yeah, I'm still laaaaaame and haven't watched the eps, so will have to wait and read it later. Grr. But you did not FAIL! You rock!!

*blinks cutely in hopes of fluff*

[lytarules.livejournal.com]

*smoooooooches*

[mylittleredgirl.livejournal.com]

:) *is smooched*

*hugs back*

[jammer0307.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

J.