![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
11111 / 50000
I pretty much had to post this bar. :)
Not making as much progress this weekend as I'd like. The depressed side of bipolar is being a pain in my ass (literally, actually, as fibro stuff likes to ride in along with depression), so I end up wasting a lot of time staring at blank walls and whining to myself about how much effort it takes to move my fingers for typing, haha. I'll just keep chugging along and hopefully I'll pick up speed! Nano is so awesome. :) I wish I felt like I were taking the best advantage of it, but I'm enjoying it at my level, anyway!
I really wish I could get through just one day at my job without cocking something up royally. (I should note that every day, in addition to cocking something up royally, I also rock about 16 things... it's the cocking something up royally bit I'm having trouble getting used to.)
I also wish I could get through one shower without realizing I messed something up on the most recent work day.
So, after realizing my most recent and kind of inexcusable scatterbraininess (well, there is an excuse, and it involves changing meds and stress and being distracted by Real Live Office UST, but none of those are good excuses), I wrote an email to my boss and told her I'd pay money to make up for it. Really bad precedent to set in this work relationship, but the BEST possible outcome is that she'll take it and won't call another big meeting with the whole team & our business coach to discuss my general failure, because some of the things I hate most are 1) being imperfect, 2) disappointing people, and 3) PUBLIC HUMILIATION.
On the upside, my outfit for tomorrow night's client party is going to be awesome. It's totally retro, and every part of it was on SALE, 70s-inspired minidress to peace sign earrings!
And I know that some of this (the problem and the stress relating to it) is medication-change-related, but seriously, how can I become one of those people who just doesn't care? And one of those people who doesn't have such erratic-and-mostly-really-low self-esteem that I seem to need constant reassurance that I have some value as a human? Because srsly, that has got to make me awfully annoying to the people around me. I know it's the imbalance of meds right now that makes me think There's nothing I could ever do with my life that I could actually do WELL enough to be worthwhile, I should just quit and hide in a hole if only that wouldn't be a drain on society and natural resources like holes... but those thoughts are so familiar from all the years before they were smothered by the good drugs that they're so hard to brush off.
KNOWING I'M CRAZY FOR CHEMICAL REASONS MAKES IT ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER.
I also wish I could get through one shower without realizing I messed something up on the most recent work day.
So, after realizing my most recent and kind of inexcusable scatterbraininess (well, there is an excuse, and it involves changing meds and stress and being distracted by Real Live Office UST, but none of those are good excuses), I wrote an email to my boss and told her I'd pay money to make up for it. Really bad precedent to set in this work relationship, but the BEST possible outcome is that she'll take it and won't call a
On the upside, my outfit for tomorrow night's client party is going to be awesome. It's totally retro, and every part of it was on SALE, 70s-inspired minidress to peace sign earrings!
And I know that some of this (the problem and the stress relating to it) is medication-change-related, but seriously, how can I become one of those people who just doesn't care? And one of those people who doesn't have such erratic-and-mostly-really-low self-esteem that I seem to need constant reassurance that I have some value as a human? Because srsly, that has got to make me awfully annoying to the people around me. I know it's the imbalance of meds right now that makes me think There's nothing I could ever do with my life that I could actually do WELL enough to be worthwhile, I should just quit and hide in a hole if only that wouldn't be a drain on society and natural resources like holes... but those thoughts are so familiar from all the years before they were smothered by the good drugs that they're so hard to brush off.
KNOWING I'M CRAZY FOR CHEMICAL REASONS MAKES IT ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER.
